Learning to Set Boundaries

Few things are as frustrating as people crossing your boundaries. That one colleague who loudly makes a phone call right next to you in your shared office. Or another who surprises you in a meeting by hijacking your topic. Interruptions, inappropriate behavior, broken promises, or taking up space: there are countless situations where people overstep your limits.

They probably don’t realize it. And sometimes, neither do you until it’s already happened, and leaving you feeling annoyed afterward. What holds you back from setting your boundaries?

Perhaps you want to be liked, you’re unsure where your boundary lies, you want to maintain the relationship, you’re unclear on your own priorities, or you don’t know how to communicate your boundary effectively.

Good news: you can learn to recognize and set boundaries earlier, so you don’t have to keep addressing them repeatedly. And no, it doesn’t mean you have to become a negative person. Setting boundaries protects your time, well-being, and integrity. And it’s not just beneficial for you - it also provides clarity, and trust for others.

First, let’s talk about the different types of boundaries.

Boundaries can vary widely depending on the situation. Some are clear and universally understood, while others are personal and more unpredictable. The better you understand them, the easier they are to communicate. Here are three common types of boundaries:

1. Hard boundaries – These are the non-negotiable limits that others could reasonably know. There’s no discussion here: “You can’t smoke here.” Or: “That comment is inappropriate.” Or: “I can’t share that information.” They’re communicated simply, without needing justification.
2. Personal boundaries – These involve your own preferences and needs. For example: “I don’t feel comfortable with that, so I’d like to do it differently.” Or: “I don’t want to be disturbed for work on weekends.” Or: “I don’t attend meetings before 10:00 AM.” Others can’t predict these in advance because they vary between individuals.
3. Task-oriented boundaries – These relate to priorities and responsibilities. For example: “No, this isn’t my priority right now.” Or: “This falls outside my role; I suggest you discuss it with Karin.” Setting these boundries requires you to know where your priorities lie.

Step 1: Self-awareness\u2014where do your boundaries lie?

Before you assert your boundaries, it helps to first reflect on when and how people cross them.

• What do you feel when someone crosses your boundary? (irritation, impatience, stress?)
• How does this affect you?
• In what situations does it occur? Who is involved?
• What specific behavior is not ok for you?

The better you can recognize this, the sooner you’ll notice it and the more effectively you can address it!

Step 2: Communicating your boundary to others.

Say it. Say no! Stop. Enough is enough.

It can be very straightforward: “No, this doesn’t suit me.” Or: “Unfortunately, I can’t do that this week.” Or: “I don’t find this acceptable.”

In our training sessions, boundary-related scenarios often come up. Sometimes the boundary itself is central, like a hard boundary. But often, maintaining a good (work) relationship is also important: you want to preserve or even improve collaboration. In such cases, words like ‘unfortunately’ or ‘sorry’ can help soften the message, or you might want to take the time to have a feedback conversation.

People usually prefer to set their boundaries on the spot. But if you need a bit more time, that can work well too!

Step 3: Following up and holding firm.

After stating your boundary, it can be helpful to follow up later. The best moment to do this is during a positive interaction. Try to ‘catch them’ doing the right thing! “Hey, thanks for using the phone booth. It’s really helpful for me.”

It could also be that the desired effect hasn’t been achieved yet. In such cases, it’s good to revisit the conversation to ensure your boundary is taken seriously.

“I noticed you were on the phone in the quiet area again, what happened?”

And, if you want to reinforce the boundary, you can attach a consequence to it.

Finally:

Setting boundaries can take some getting used to. If you’re someone who usually says ‘yes’ to others’ requests and tends to go along with things, being assertive might feel like a big step. It can help to remember that these boundaries are not just good for you but also for those around you! And you can make it easier by allowing yourself some ‘thinking time.’ If someone asks you to take on a task that doesn’t seem like a fit, you could say: “Could you email me the details of what you need? Then I’ll check my schedule to see if I have time.” Another phrase that works well for many people: “Let me think about it, and I’ll get back to you.”

Also good to remember: you can always revisit the topic. If you regret letting a boundary slip, you can still bring it up later!
“I said I’d take care of this for you, but I’ve realized it doesn’t fit. Could you ask someone else?”
“This morning, I noticed you raised your voice at the intern. I was in a rush and couldn’t address it immediately, but you understand that this behavior is unacceptable. Can we talk about it now?”